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Today,
I fired the Fed, decimated the Sarbanes Oxley Act, annihilated the Up-Tick rule and voted on American Idol.
Today,
I believe the markets are efficient.
Today,
Wall Street adopted the Finnish market system and the overnight rate was dropped by 300 basis points.
Today,
I'm Warren Buffet, Gordon Gecko, Jim Cramer, Bud Fox, Kai Trump, Peter Lynch and Richard Sloan.
Today,
I published an academic paper called, "Give Up and Go Home". It spoke a lot about efficiency, synergies, exogenous and out of sample tests that I conducted while taking into account lagged periods, database errors, bid/ask spreads, transaction costs, taxes, inter-temporal shocks, solar winds, betas, tobin's q and other alphabet soup letters. Robustness checks were utilized with spearman, pearson and petainen windsorized coefficients, and correlations with Fama/French 2,3,5.5 and 100 factors over time, industry and cross-sectional variations while factoring in SOX and LTCM events, as well as disposition effect tests, accrual anomalies, and momentum/value/smart-money/quality controls. Also noted was that all the thoughts were my thoughts and did not reflect the thoughts of other seemingly smart people and if I made some errors then they were my dumb errors and I was certainly not as smart as I thought I was. It was published in a number of journals, but they incorrectly gave my name to someone else.
Today,
I'm going long on gold, GOOG, AAPL, and every momentum stock I have ever bashed, and short on managed health care and insurance.
Today,
Men are right. Women are wrong.
Today,
Someone will donate a lot of money in my name. I might get lucky and have a urinal named after me.
Today,
I love Photographic Products, Agricultural Products, Coal and Consumable Fuels, Thrifts and Mortgage Finance, Life Sciences Tools & Services, Airlines, Home Entertainment Software, Forest Products, Wireless American Telecommunication Services, and Gas Utility companies.
Today,
I bought a pair of CROX, made a call on my I-Phone and installed a solar panel on my pink cat.
Today,
Housing starts, consumer confidence, same store sales, and GDP rose to historical new highs. Oil dropped to $60, gold dropped to $600 and the deficit was given to "O-il Canada".
Today,
I created the next Bear Stearns, befriended Eliot Spitzer and fired Kwame Kilpatrick from Detroit.
Today,
Hotel saunas in America are hot instead of cold, and a spa near Mt. Tremblant knows the real meaning of the word, "loyly".
Today,
The honorable and glorious Stephen Colbert, of 'The Colbert Report' will mention my name, or my blog, or invite me on his show.
Today,
Jon Stewart will do the same. He too is honorable and glorious, but if Jon is reading this, then he is cooler than Stephen and if Stephen is reading this, then he cooler than Jon.
Today,
I love spelling Bloomberg in word puzzles.
Today,
I hate Tires and Rubber, Tobacco, Oil & Gas Drilling, Multi-Line Insurance, Managed Health Care, Office Services & Supplies, Electronic Manufacturing Services, Diversified Metals & Mining, Integrated Emerging Market Telecommunication Services, and Multi-utility companies.
Today,
I became a Sith Lord and was hired by Overstock. Light-sabers are on sale.
Today,
I conceived a child.
Today,
Is April Fools.
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Comments (4)
Nice! ;-)
Posted by Uncle John | April 1, 2008 12:49 PM
Knotty Pine Guy Kai,
I read your academic paper - it was in " The Journal of IrreProducible Results". I gave up - so where do I go now that my home is being ForeClosed ?
You forgot the "FUDGE" Faxctor - to get the "Right" answer all you have to do is multiply YOUR result by the "FUDGE" Factor to get the RIGHT answer. It Works - Each & Every TIME. It's like a Physical ' Variable' Constant for some Cockamamie LAW of Nature, so to speak.
Also, your cat is not Pink. It's Bald.
KB shaved it to make Fuzzy-butt Bait Fishing Lures. He's on a fishing expedition now - to get VAD a new Hair-Do --- it's going to be a Mullet.
Talk about a Glam Rocker or the Hanson Brothers in Paul Neuman's movie "SlapStick" !!!!
SlapStick means " hilariously Funny " in English - you don't have much of that concept in Finland & it shows in your feeble attempts at humor.
The Solar Panel was a stroke of Genius; it'll protect your naked cat from getting a Sunburn at the expense of being Electrocuted. Cat - the other white meat !
I'd rather 'befriend' Eliot Spitzer's Paramour - if it would mean a below the Market Rate DisCount to Net ASSet Value.
As far as children go -- I can't bear them !!!
Did you find WALDO today ? ( or can't you speak Norwegian slang ? )
Don L. Ferk ( fka VikingWarrior )
PS : I headed for the HILLS today - The whisper quiet Piney 'Would' Hills - MAYbe, just mayBE, Kai.
Song O'da Day
Whispering Pines - Johnny Horton
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sbs1y2WUXB0
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sbs1y2WUXB0
Posted by don ferk | April 3, 2008 7:22 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAH. thanks for your funny comments.
so strange. i got a lot of comments from my friends about the solar panel on the cat.
it occurred to me. if we want some alternative energy, just stick solar panels on cats. they're really good at finding the sunlight.
Posted by ahknaten | April 3, 2008 7:29 PM
Kai,
6 & 1/2 HA's. That's my personal All-Time Best.
I'm a half a Ha away from a Life-Time Achievement Award.
What did you do ? Split a Gut or Blow a Gasket ??
Maybe you got Over-Heated in the Sauna and when you Polar Beared into Lake Michigan the Thermal SHOCK put you into a Alternate State of Suomisaundi Existence where even DuffBeer's brand of "Spugedelic" humour might have seemed "Punny" to you.
Contemplate your Navel, Kai. Find your innner Waldo.
I-CON Sider my humour to be TekTONIC - like ClinTONIC Hillary-a-rare-it-y.
Don L Ferk ( fka VikingWarrior )
PS : just Raggin' On Ya !!!
Non-Waldo Instrumental O'da Day
James Scott's " Hilarity RAG "
performed by
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nzDvlF-HW64
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nzDvlF-HW64
The Joker - Steve Miller Band
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nIHP9o6X6D8
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nIHP9o6X6D8
Steve Miller suggests " Take the Money & RUN !!!!!!!!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fFGZufk4HFs
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fFGZufk4HFs
Don L. Ferk
Posted by don ferk | April 12, 2008 10:49 AM