Uncle John's Cabin

'Twas the Month Before Earnings

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'Twas the month before earnings, and all through the street
Not a trader was sleeping, just wanting a beat.
The balance sheets were waiting, primped up with much care
The stocks are all cheap, the market's a bear.

The CEOs were nestled, all snug in their beds
While visions of bonuses danced in their head.
Pay for performance, or vote say for pay
Was not on the agenda, not even a day.

When up from the financials, there arose such a clatter
I looked up at Ambac, to see what's the matter.
Away to my broker, I flew with a flash
With sell orders in hand, hoping for cash.

Bernanke is talking, like a fear frozen doe
He's not sure what's in, that darn CDO.
He pushed on a string, with little effect
To get lending in order, I truly suspect.

With my little old ticker, so old but so quick
I watched my stocks plunge, it was making me sick.
More rapid then eagles, the stocks fell from air
Taunting me to buy them, buy if you dare!

Now Amazon! now Apple!
Now Fargo and Goldman!
On Google! On RIMM!
On, Citi and Morgan!
From the top of the charts
To an unfettered fall,
Profits dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The ag futures and metals, flew up through the sky.
So up to the stock pages, in browsers I flew
Looking for bargains in mining and doo-doo.

And then in the news, I heard such a gloom
China is slowing, it's on-coming doom.
Russia, Brazil, their growth rate is falling
It's India too, while Europe is stalling.

The dollar is "worth less", said old wise man Buffett
As he bought the REAL, and in stockings he stuffed it.
The Yen and the Euro, have reached all time highs
Food is expensive, and my gas tank is dry.

And then in a twinkling, I lost my whole roof
My house price had fallen, the numbers are proof.
As I looked through my mail I gasped with astound
As I found the foreclosure, note nicely bound.

I packed up my things, and proceeded to rent
But with oil so high, it made hardly a dent.
My credit was trashed, my net worth was too
I went to my broker, asking what do I do?

He was chubby and plump, a right bloated old troll
He smiled when he saw me with eyes black as coal.
He looked at me slyly, with a malicious grin
Buy these stocks for earnings, I'm sure you will win.

He turned as he stuffed, his commissions in sacks
They were overflowing with euros, not even greenbacks!
He packed up his fees and started to run
But I stopped him cold, with my .45 gun.

I don't promote violence, not even for crooks
Even when they fudge and manipulate books.
Just send them to jail, with hardly a care
Where a prisoner will comfort, with steely eyed stare.

Now I invest for myself, with a client that's a foole
This new online trading, it's such a nice tool.
I pick my own stocks, and ignore all the chatter
I make trades at night, like nothing's the matter.

I'm back where I started, and now I'm in charge
Gritting my teeth, I take positions not large.
I take pills by the handful, to prevent heart attacks
While looking for winners, some stocks in the black.

Too beat the old NASDAQ, and S&P too
Beat the Dow firmly, that's my new to do.
I'm estimating risks, calculations in head
While I wait for the earnings and the write-downs ahead.

I got me a blog, and went on a tear
Scathing reports, like a long time old bear.
I post when I'm happy or when I get mad,
I just hope my posts, are not all that bad.

Investing is tricky, I write in my blog
This market has pitfalls, like a marshy old bog.
But if you're patient, you won't have to stop it

"Happy earnings to all, and to all a good profit!"

Uncle John
Adapted from Clement Clark Moore's famous poem "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"